This past week for my Death, Loss, & Grief class we were asked to fill out an "Advanced Directive & Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care" form as an assignment. For those of you who have never heard of this it is a form allowing someone to name an advocate for them if they are ever in a healh care situation where they, as the patient are unable to make decisions for themselves. I began filling out Justin as my first advocate and my parents as my second and continued on. As I went further and had to make choices about what I would like my advocates to do if I was ever in a vegetative state in terms of pulling the plug, donating organs to others or for medical use, when my quality of life was no longer what I wanted to live in, etc.

This was an extremely difficult thing for me to fill out. I began thinking about what it would mean for me to do this for Justin, which also made me think about what it would mean for me to lose him at such an early age and in our first year of marriage. What would I do? How would I react? How would I get out of bed in the morning? Would I still see the sun shinning like I do now?

Then I began thinking about possibly having Justin or my parents make these decisions for me. How would they really know what I wanted? It made me think that what I may choose now would be different as my other dreams of career and family become more of a reality. This adds so many other factors. Maybe I would want to live in a vegetative or quad. state just to see my child have another birthday or to see my husband smile one last time. How can I possibly make that decision right now?

The idea of losing my family and dreams were hard for me to contemplate and sort through and made me realize how difficult death can be. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of loss. The loss that I can't even fathom that makes me sick to my stomach just to think about. Class was difficult to sit through yesterday and I am beginning to realize that it is easier for me to deny the fact that people I love will die anytime soon, and the fact that I will be in a situation where Justin may have to pull the plug on me rather than deal with all the mixed emotions that arise with it. Maybe at the end of the semester I will be able to come back and think more about this.